The Comforts of Strangers

Why we get the most from those we know the least

As I re-enter the word, in fits and starts, I’m surprised to learn what I’ve missed the most during the pandemic. Yes, I missed family and friends, but even more I’ve missed those I don’t know. Strangers.

It’s not the kindness of strangers I’ve missed but their mere presence. I’ve missed the pleasant exchange with a barista, the trifling chat with a fellow subway passenger. Small talk is underrated. As those masters of chitchat, the Japanese, taught me, these seemingly trivial exchanges, conducted with precise politeness, matter. They’re not exactly the cement that holds society together but something equally important: the lubricant that reduces friction. These fleeting interactions are more powerful than we think. They help keep us sane.

Most of all, I’ve missed that sublime feeling of firing up my laptop at my favorite coffee shop, sipping my dark roast, surrounded by fellow humans. The coffee shop is where adults engage in parallel play. Alone in the crowd I am not really alone at all. For me, the real “stranger danger” isn’t the presence of a menacing Other but an absence of regular, healthy contact with those I don’t know.

Recent research suggests I am not nuts but onto something. Commuters who engage in small talk with strangers report…