How Elon Musk’s Twitter Adventure Ends
A schadenfreude premonition
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Sound of a keyboard clicking. A date appears on the screen: July 14, 2024. The camera pans across a wood-paneled Senate hearing room. We hear the sound of cameras whirring, as a male of indeterminate age and species enters the room. Camera zooms in for a tight shot of the man, who sits down casually behind a microphone. He is not sweating. Or blinking. Cue dialogue.
Senator Gasbag: “Mr. Musk, you bought Twitter in 2022 for, let me see, 40 gazillion dollars. “
Musk: “44 gazillion dollars, Senator.”
Senator Gasbag: “I stand corrected. But why? You were already the richest man in the world. Why buy a social media platform?”
Musk: “Why did Hillary climb Everest? Why did Putin invade Ukraine? Because it was there and because they could. I am a maverick, Senator. I take things that are broken and fix them. Sometimes I fix things that aren’t broken, that are, in fact, perfectly fine. This was one of those cases.”
Senator Gasbag: “Well, things didn’t exactly turn out as you planned?”
Musk: “Senator, if it’s okay with you. I’d like to answer that question with an emoji.”
Senator Gasbag: “No, it is not okay, young man. Use your words.”
Musk: “No, Senator, things did not turn out as planned. I flew too close to the sun. My wings melted.”
Senator Gasbag: “Not only your wings, son, but America’s. The entire nation is paying the price for your little adventure. Do you realize that?”
Musk: “I do, Senator. But I assure you I had the best of intentions.”
Fade to black. We flash back to April, 2022. Camera pans across a room of absurdly young, absurdly wealthy vegans. The Twitter board. The sound of heated debate ricochets across the sparsely furnished room. The board is clearly divided on whether to accept Musk’s offer to buy Twitter.
Board Member A: “I say we accept his offer. I mean, look what he did for electric vehicles and commercial space travel and, well, trolling. What could possibly go wrong?”
Board Member B: “Excuse me, but are you #nuts? The man wants to install an edit button. An edit…
